My Safe Bubble: Anonymity and the Internet

I never told anyone when I started my first blog. I had the news inside of me. I was bursting to tell it, but I kept it on the down low for the early stages. Eventually, I told one friend. And a while later, another. But it wasn't something I publicized. I didn't want to be P.E., the blogger.



I was active on forums long before I even learned of blogging. It was there that I learned the art of creating an internet persona, who was me, but the me I wanted to present. I loved it. I am a private person, and the idea of controlling my image so completely was incredibly appealing. And so, as teenagers often do these days, I found a place in the world, or at least the internet, that I wanted to be part of. The wonderful forum, and later the blogging community.

What's cool about the internet is that you can live by two lives. On the forum, I was known as Ashes (which sounds a little depressing, until I explain that the main character in the book series the forum was about was Ash, and every other variation was taken). On my blog, after learning so much in schools and by parents about the dangers of sharing internet information, I kept my initials, P.E.. It's something I still have.

I didn't realize how weird it was until a teacher said, a little shocked, "You have a blog? Why don't I know about this!" (She's a great teacher, BTW). She was friendly and we often had conversations. She said this so loud and the entire class looked over. And I felt so upset, because maybe some people don't understand, but it was like I was in two worlds.



There was the me in real life, who had a decent life and there was online me, and I was always me no matter what I did, but it was different parts of me. If I had a bad day blogging, well, who cares, go hang out with a friend. If I had a bad day in real life, who cares, I was someone on the internet.

One of the questions I hated most of all was being asked for my blog URL. I think I point blank refused a lot of people. This was partly to ensure my separation between online me and real person me, but also because I wanted to be a successful blogger. I wanted to be productive, and have an impact. In some ways I'm a trusting person, but in others, I'm not. I wanted my blog to be successful because of my hard work and talent (if it indeed existed). I wanted to make a name for myself. Every bit of success that I had was something I wanted to have not because of who I was, but what I could do.

So in general, I hid blogging for a long time, and then I transitioned into "not really going to talk about it". Seriously, do you realize how stressed out I was over making a twitter account? I was terrified. Twitter would mean joining real person me and online me. Of course, I didn't really tell too many people about my Twitter either.

I don't know how it happened, or what happened, and maybe it's a part of growing up, but eventually I become more comfortable with sharing online me and real me. And this is what I believe has made my writing stronger: I can write emotionally and have confidence in my place in the world. This confidence came from seeing Tantalizing Illusions do reasonably well. It also came from people I trusted, who told me they thought I could write well, and somehow they made me believe it a little.

I'm a perfectionist. I'm always in competition with myself to be better. I generally have extremely high expectations of myself and my life, and I'm still reconciling them. Even now, when I'm so very open about being a blogger, which I'm sure has a lot to do with Mari telling me my writing doesn't suck, and helping manage TSC to look good, I still am uncomfortable with the idea of the real people I know seeing my blog.

I'm trying not to be. It's just that writing is so personal to me. I wrote so emotionally, and I don't know how much of that I'm comfortable sharing.

I don't know if this is the case for everyone. I had a twitter conversation the other day with someone, and she told me she never saw blogging the way I did, and that's completely possible. Not everyone feels the compulsive need to be good at everything. I guess the way I see it is if I'm going to do something, I need to do it well. I either do it or don't. There's no middle ground.

I'm even uncomfortable sharing this post because it's again, incredibly personal, and I don't know if I want people to see it. But at the same time, this isn't something people talk about a lot.



Often, to get people interested in Twitter, I describe tweets as talking in a room of shouting people. Maybe someone will hear you, maybe no one will. There is that sense of anonymity on the internet that seems to be shamed, or despised, and I don't see why that needs to be the case.

When I needed it, I was in my anonymous bubble, watching, learning, and it made me feel safe. And now I'm starting to exit that bubble and explore the person that is me on the internet, and off the internet. And maybe I think she has some potential.

Have you ever enjoyed anonymity on the internet? How comfortable are you to say that you're a blogger?

-P.E.


6 comments:

  1. This is a great post! And I relate in ways. I haven't shared my blog on facebook for that reason, blogging me is different than real me. Well, real me is just shy. I've had a twitter for so long, and for a while it was just my online friends, and then real people started joining and I started being wary of what I say.

    Now I'm struggling with the decision to share my blog on facebook and have my "real life" friends read it.

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    1. I know exactly what you mean about Twitter. It was a way to connect with online friends, and then real friends got on it. All it has really changed for me is that I can't rage-tweet ever, but I suppose that's not a bad thing. I figure that they have no obligation to follow me, and it's my account and I'll tweet what I want.

      But it's okay though. Just do what you're comfortable with.

      -P.E.

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  2. Good question. Each of the 4 of us has different comfort levels with our online presences.

    Kristan has been online for most of her life (as least most of what she can remember) so she has been navigating these waters for a long time and feels fairly comfortable. She does like to have SOME separation -- like a private FB account for family and real life friends, and a public Page to interact with the writing community -- or not blogging about really personal stuff (such as relationships!) like she used to do as an angsty teen. ;P

    Steph and Sarah aren't *quite* as comfortable as all that -- and Sarah has a terrible tendency to "burn" things when they get to old. (Like, literally burn old journals that embarrass her, or delete old blog posts when she feels she's reached a new stage in her life.) But they're definitely active online and not afraid of it.

    Ingrid prefers to keep a minimal internet life -- basically just our We Heart YA blog. She would rather people know her writing than her, you know? Totally valid choice, btw. And isn't it funny how we kind of span across the whole spectrum? :)

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    1. I love that the internet can be whatever you need it to be. All types of people can use it, and will use it happily.

      I think I'm most similar to Kristan. Sarah's tendency to "burn" things is pretty interesting. I'm the opposite in that once it's out there, I feel like I can't take it back. I even feel uncomfortable deleting tweets with typos!

      -P.E.

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  3. I definitely understand your preference for anonymity. I only started blogging in the last year and I don't really mention it to my friends. Some of them are aware of the fact that I blog but I really don't like giving out my url. I feel kind of uncomfortable with people at school reading what I write on the internet (not that it's wrong or I'm ashamed) but like you it seems like two different personas are being combined. I actually joined Twitter last week and really didn't want it to be under my name so I kept that bit of anonymity and set it up under my blog name. I think as I become more emerged in the blogging community I'm less afraid of making "mistakes" and being super private. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! It was quite a though-provoking post :)

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    1. I've become more comfortable as I've gained experience with blogging, so it's totally possible for the same to happen to you. I definitely know how you feel though. Just do what's comfortable for you, and see how it works. :)

      -P.E.

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